| | how long has it been since i last "blogged"? holy crap.. i'll try to make it a good one then. a goodun..
it's 5:16 am and i'm still wide awake. it's gonna be such a bitch of a day tomorrow.. or later i guess. i'm still unemployed, for about 3 weeks now. not unoccupied though. i've been designing a journal/agenda book for my wife. her birthday's next week, and i'm hoping to have it printed and shipped by the end of the week.
i'm flippin' hungry right now. for those of you who don't know, i'm back in manila, philippines. i say this like people will be reading this, even though it'll probably slip through the cracks and go unnoticed, specially since i haven't gotten my xanga on for over a year. facebook's all the rage these days i guess. i left friendster, myspace, and xanga for facebook to get some sort of online privacy. but now, i feel like less eyes feast on xanga.
anyway, back to my whining. i'm flippin' hungry. i have only about 200 pesos right now, that's roughly like 5 dollars. and i miss denny's. i miss bein able to eat breakfast in the middle of the night if i wanted. and smoke. smoke till the sun came up. till my mind gets hazy enough and my gut gets full enough to delude myself into thinking that whatever it is that i was running away from had stopped chasing me. 20˚ F later, i'm a couple years older, still alone, still hungry, still unemployed, still fat, still scared shitless of responsibility and maturity. Different city, different country, same piece of shit story.
being so far apart from my wife just makes every little problem feel much bigger. what is wrong with me?
every now and then, memories flash in my mind - admittedly forced by me - of certain things i did years earlier.. driving from michigan to california, seeing the land go by and the sun in my mirrors; walking down a street covered in snow lined with dead leaves that weren't worthy of a good raking; the late night walks through neighborhoods with palm condescending palm tress looming above only to get slurpees and cheap sushi; driving through unknown cities intentionally getting lost just to find my way back home again; playing in front of crowds of strangers and friends, singing songs like my breath hung on every note and chord... and then now.. sometimes i wonder if i'm too self-centered, if i pat myself on the back too much or if i feel like i'm in deep shit too often.. and that i'm actually quite blessed with a lot.
last sunday, the message was about jonah and how he ran away from god even though god came to him with a mission. then the pastor turned it around and said something like, we are all running away from god and from what he wants us to do. delayed obedience is disobedience. spiritual maturity is measured by the length of time it takes for you to respond to god's call.. yeah, guilty as charged. but it's so nice and cozy here in the belly, watching my skin get slowly digested by the heat and bugs and.. ugh,.. anyway..
life will never be like it was for me before. it'll be different, i know. hopefully better. but it's hard for me to think that any of this will get that much better. will i be able to eat a meat lover's skillet at 4 in the morning in the future? i dunno. probably not. specially if they don't bring it back on the menu. will i be able to play billiards with my friends again? will i actually HAVE friends to hang out with again? i mean friends, like friends that i used to hang out with. people you don't even have to call really to hang out with. like you just knew. you'd just magically go to the same place. okay, there'd be minimal coordination, and conflict of interest rare. but still. i have no idea what's going to happen.
i'm sleepy. i don't write these things as fast as i used to. or as natural even. i find it hard to do now. like it's such a huge effort.
i'm not really depressed, at least not any more than how i've always been. just hungry. out of control hungry. and all i have is peanut butter, maybe a teaspoon/half a teaspoon of jam left. and 2 lemons. and hollandaise sauce (i made brinner the other day). just lonely. and i miss joanna.
i wanna sing again and i wanna perform and see if my talents aren't in fact wasted on a person like me. i wanna see if what all my friends have been saying about me is true and if all the losers i see around with no talent, no story, no.. vision, just great marketing, that do all the things i want to do have asses that are kickable by me.
i've always had a knack for long goodbyes. always had a hard time with letting go. or moving on. the way i saw it, it was never my choice to move on when i had to. well,.. at least i didn't like the choice i made all that much half of the time.
so goodbye, good night, i'm just going to sleep my hunger off. and dream about whale free-meat lovin'-brinner eatin'-prodigal returning goodness. and hopefully wake up in time to say good night to joanna. |
| | Posted 5/19/2008 6:01 AM - 128 Views - 6 eProps - 3 comments
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. Congrats anyway, and perhaps I'll visit the Philippines again one day. If you have any wedding photos I would love to see some posted!!
