p0weep00's Xanga

"the prodin-,.. proginal,.... the son returns"

Mon, 19 May 2008 09:01:50 GMT

how long has it been since i last "blogged"? holy crap.. i'll try to make it a good one then. a goodun..

it's 5:16 am and i'm still wide awake. it's gonna be such a bitch of a day tomorrow.. or later i guess. i'm still unemployed, for about 3 weeks now. not unoccupied though. i've been designing a journal/agenda book for my wife. her birthday's next week, and i'm hoping to have it printed and shipped by the end of the week.

i'm flippin' hungry right now. for those of you who don't know, i'm back in manila, philippines. i say this like people will be reading this, even though it'll probably slip through the cracks and go unnoticed, specially since i haven't gotten my xanga on for over a year. facebook's all the rage these days i guess. i left friendster, myspace, and xanga for facebook to get some sort of online privacy. but now, i feel like less eyes feast on xanga.

anyway, back to my whining. i'm flippin' hungry. i have only about 200 pesos right now, that's roughly like 5 dollars. and i miss denny's. i miss bein able to eat breakfast in the middle of the night if i wanted. and smoke. smoke till the sun came up. till my mind gets hazy enough and my gut gets full enough to delude myself into thinking that whatever it is that i was running away from had stopped chasing me. 20˚ F later, i'm a couple years older, still alone, still hungry, still unemployed, still fat, still scared shitless of responsibility and maturity. Different city, different country, same piece of shit story.

being so far apart from my wife just makes every little problem feel much bigger. what is wrong with me?

every now and then, memories flash in my mind - admittedly forced by me - of certain things i did years earlier.. driving from michigan to california, seeing the land go by and the sun in my mirrors; walking down a street covered in snow lined with dead leaves that weren't worthy of a good raking; the late night walks through neighborhoods with palm condescending palm tress looming above only to get slurpees and cheap sushi; driving through unknown cities intentionally getting lost just to find my way back home again; playing in front of crowds of strangers and friends, singing songs like my breath hung on every note and chord... and then now.. sometimes i wonder if i'm too self-centered, if i pat myself on the back too much or if i feel like i'm in deep shit too often.. and that i'm actually quite blessed with a lot.

last sunday, the message was about jonah and how he ran away from god even though god came to him with a mission. then the pastor turned it around and said something like, we are all running away from god and from what he wants us to do. delayed obedience is disobedience. spiritual maturity is measured by the length of time it takes for you to respond to god's call.. yeah, guilty as charged. but it's so nice and cozy here in the belly, watching my skin get slowly digested by the heat and bugs and.. ugh,.. anyway..

life will never be like it was for me before. it'll be different, i know. hopefully better. but it's hard for me to think that any of this will get that much better. will i be able to eat a meat lover's skillet at 4 in the morning in the future? i dunno. probably not. specially if they don't bring it back on the menu. will i be able to play billiards with my friends again? will i actually HAVE friends to hang out with again? i mean friends, like friends that i used to hang out with. people you don't even have to call really to hang out with. like you just knew. you'd just magically go to the same place. okay, there'd be minimal coordination, and conflict of interest rare. but still. i have no idea what's going to happen.

i'm sleepy. i don't write these things as fast as i used to. or as natural even. i find it hard to do now. like it's such a huge effort.

i'm not really depressed, at least not any more than how i've always been. just hungry. out of control hungry. and all i have is peanut butter, maybe a teaspoon/half a teaspoon of jam left. and 2 lemons. and hollandaise sauce (i made brinner the other day). just lonely. and i miss joanna.

i wanna sing again and i wanna perform and see if my talents aren't in fact wasted on a person like me. i wanna see if what all my friends have been saying about me is true and if all the losers i see around with no talent, no story, no.. vision, just great marketing, that do all the things i want to do have asses that are kickable by me.

i've always had a knack for long goodbyes. always had a hard time with letting go. or moving on. the way i saw it, it was never my choice to move on when i had to. well,.. at least i didn't like the choice i made all that much half of the time.

so goodbye, good night, i'm just going to sleep my hunger off. and dream about whale free-meat lovin'-brinner eatin'-prodigal returning goodness. and hopefully wake up in time to say good night to joanna.

Lights will guide you home

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 04:53:38 GMT

That's all she wrote fellas.. Thanks for all the love.. and music.. and tears.. but mostly love.. I'll see you all on the flip (slang for Filipino) side...

"Alberta, here I come!" and "Keeping in Touch"

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 17:00:48 GMT

I got the job! Just in case you guys don't know yet, I got a job in Calgary. So now, all that stands between me and liberation is the Canadian consulate. I will add more info later, but for now, I guess your prayers are needed for my application this Friday. I'll need some sort of proof that I won't be staying in Canada illegally and that I'll have a reason to go back home.. not the U.S., but the Philippines. See, I'm applying for a visitor's visa for now so I could be in Canada while my papers are being processed. So basically, I do intend to stay in Canada longer but it won't be illegally. It's all really difficult to be able to prove to them that I mean well, but as long as I am granted this TRV, I'm practically free as a bird. Please pray that I might be able to produce sufficient proof for the Consulate officer and that he or she may be less strict than these officers usually are.

Joanna as a memory

I'll be living with the de Walles (Joanna's family) in Lethbridge, Alberta for about 3 months. I can't work or anything, not until I get the green light with the papers re: the job I got. After then, I go to Calgary and start another chapter of my life. It's really weird, I feel like I won't be able to stay in one city (or country) for longer than a couple years at a time. But somehow, I know this one will be a good one. This way I could save up some money and get more stable financially so I could finally pop the question some time later this year.

It's funny how your ties with friends go. Especially when you move around a lot like I do. Having to meet new ones and leave old ones over and over again has really given me a bleak outlook on friendships in general. It's not that I don't treasure my friends, that's not it at all. But the more people I get closer to - and it's easy for me to do this - the more close friends I leave behind and have to maintain contact with. I've promised certain people certain things that I don't really follow through. I've meant to call people here and there and sometimes, I just get plain lazy because in the back of my head (and I feel really bad about this) I know it's not gonna matter.

I know that whether or not I call this person right now, I'll probably mess something up along the way as far as our friendship goes and it's not gonna matter. I know that if I try to form this "band" with this other person, I know it's not gonna happen 'cause I won't be around for long. And more importantly, once I try to make it cool with this one other person, I have to make it cool with every single person like him or her. It's like an obligation, a responsibility.

I know this is wrong.

But I can't help feeling paralyzed in a way. I'm not saying "Hey, I'm so popular, I have so many friends! and I'm skinny and have flawless skin! And don't have any white hair!" No, I'm not saying that. I just have a lot of shared life-changing moments with a lot of special friends, and somehow I just don't know how to be the nice guy I know I need to be and just accommodate everyone's pow needs. haha

Don't worry, I'll get over myself soon.

I do have a show coming up next week. I'll post more on that soon, but for now, keep the 4th of April free. :)

Comfort

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 08:16:53 GMT

This is my first post in a while. A lot of things going on..

First, my departure is final. April 6th is the date. I arrive the Philippines the 7th. I'm really stressed right now. Although I've been working out jobs and places where I could stay, there's just a whole lot ahead of me that I can't help feeling scared about.

I've moved around so much recently, having to meet new friends and leaving them over and over.. Looking for places to live, things to make money off of, familiarizing myself with the city.. Everything seems so blurry, like everything's happening and not happening all at once. I am confident though that everything will work out in time and that I am where I need to be. It's just not knowing exactly how to get there... that's what's scaring me.

Of course, leaving Joanna's gonna suck. But, I welcome this test on our relationship. I know that whatever comes our way, we'll be able to make it through. Of course, with a little help. :)

I was listening to the Weepies again today, and I cam across this song that was probably written for a son or daughter. And it gave me just what I needed. I've been longing for that childlike innocence for such a long time (the kind that allows you to smile and be happy without worries in the back of your mind) and I feel like this song captured it for me.

listen.. and read..

back when I was comfortable

Comfort

When everyone has gone to sleep and you are wide awake
there's no one left to tell your troubles to.
Just an hour ago, you listened to their voices
lilting like a river over underground
and the light from downstairs came up soft like daybreak
dimly as the heartache of a lonely child.

If you can't remember a better time
you can have mine, little one.
In days to come when your heart feels undone
may you always find an open hand
and take comfort wherever you can.

And oh, it's a strange place.
And oh, everyone with a different face
but just like you thought when you stopped here to linger
we're only as separate as your little fingers.

So cry, why not? we all do
then turn to one you love
and smile a smile that lights up all the room.
Follow your dreams in through every out-door
it seems that's what we're here for.

And when you can't remember a better time
you can have mine, little one.
In days to come when your heart feels undone
may you always find an open hand
and take comfort, there is comfort.
Take comfort wherever you can, you can, you can.